English: me and my friend

English: me and my friend (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I’ve written about how to ditch a friend when it’s a one way street, but how do you stay a friend after you have a one way crush, or confess feelings are they are not returned.

This is a very hard situation one that many friendships never overcome. Many times the person that is the object of your affection does not feel that way for what could be many reasons. If it is not retuned and it starts to risk the breakup of your friendship, there are things that you can do it help salvage the entire friendship.

One of those things that can really help in these situations is by thinking that your love for them is really about their happiness and that you will always love them. But that love can still be felt as friends only, and that if they are happy even if it’s not with you romantically you will be happy for them.

One of the things that you can really do is sit down and talk with your friend and explain your feelings to them, and if you dare, you can ask why they don’t feel the same. Some times this can lead to finding out the status of the entire friendship. Many times it will also give you insight into how they view you as a person as well. Also one of the things that you do want to make sure is that if this is a one way street, you can not push or you will risk your entire friendship.

One of my friends once told me…

That it was better to be friends then nothing at all.

She’s totally right. Sometimes if you love them and you care that strongly for them, are they worth waiting for? Are they worth the wait, and investment of being a good friend? If you truly love this person you will wait for them forever if you have to, and you will always be the best of friends with them.

This is a conversation that you ideally don’t want to do over the phone, or by text messages/facebook messages. You would want to do this in person as you would be able to judge the sincerity of the friend involved. Sometimes when this situation get’s to the point that your friend has lost respect for you, there is a lot of pain that might have to be resolved.

The last thing that you can do if you find yourself in this situation is be honest with yourself and with your friend. And ask them to be honest with you too, if you find that you have been crossing the line from friend to you can certainly ask your friend to remind you ever time that you do it so that you become aware of doing it.

Friendship bracelet, friends, friendship, toxic friends, one way friends

Original caption: Ne ties a friendship bracelet on me, Sapa. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Over the last while I’ve written a lot about friendships and my views on them. Today I want to share a post about one way friendships, and how to deal with them. First here is the scenario… There is a friend that we have that does not initiate any contact, does not text, call, setup dates, or going out or over o their place. They also choose to ignore texts, Facebook messages, and don’t think that there is a problem with that. They are the type of friend that if you didn’t call or text them, they would never talk to you at all.

One way friendships

So how can we determine that it is a one way friendship? There are many ways to tell if a one way friendship is the type of friendship that you have with your friend. These types of friendships are usually short lived and honestly don’t seem to last. One person is always putting in the effort and does not spend the time or work to help make the friendship work. Is this selfish to want a friendship that is equal on both sides? I don’t think so and many people will agree that a friendship built on respect, honesty and love.

First thing to watch for in a one way friendship

The first sign of a one way friendship is one person doing more than their fair share to maintain the friendship? Are they getting the other person expensive gifts, traveling long distances to see the other friend, but the other person does not seem to return the gifts or traveling. Do they seem to make excuses when you try to setup a time to hang out, or always seem to have something to do, or back out when they plan to meet up with you?

The second thing to watch for in a one way friendship

The second sign that a friendship is one way is how honest they are with you and the people around them. Do they lie to make up excuses so that they don’t have to meet and hang out? Do they lie to the people that the supposedly love? If they have lied to the person they supposedly love the most, how can we respect a liar? Should we even respect them at all? Do they deserve our friendship? Do we respect them enough to tell them the truth when we can’t make it to something that they have actually planned? Are we completely honest with them as we want them to be with us?

Lastly how do these friendships make us feel

One thing that is pretty common with all of these types of friendships is that they are all depressing, we feel used, annoyed, taken advantage of, like we aren’t worth the time and or effort to be worthy of their friendship. Many people are rightly so annoyed or irritated with these types of friends. The question is should we be annoyed by this behavior of our friends? Should we be giving them the space and time to let them prove that they are a true friend? In some cases we may feel angry, or mad that they treated us this way. Some may even feel pity for the other person as well.

So how do we ditch the one way friend?

Well firstly I would determine if the friendship is worth saving? I would certainly suggest speaking to them; let them know how their actions are making you feel. Make sure that they understand your feelings, and how what they are doing is affecting them. I would suggest a public place, not in a crowd, but not in a smaller confined place as well. Coffee shops are always good, or a patio or bench on a busy beach or something similar works. There is no real easy way to start that type or conversation, so I would suggest just going with it and don’t stop till you’re finished. That way you won’t get side tracked or get into an argument. If they accept what you have said and want to continue the friendship great. If they don’t react or want time, give them some time, however don’t pursue the friendship and let them make the contact. If they don’t make any contact after a month, then as hard as it will be you have your answer. This way you can end the friendship by just drifting apart, that way if they decide to try rekindle the friendship at one point, you haven’t burnt down the bridge and could remain a friend if they want to still be friends.

Ever lasting love, friendship, loveEverlasting Love, is there such a thing? Today I saw two people that were as much in love today as they were when they were married 50 years ago. Is I possible to stay in love for that long? I think that yes it is possible. I’m sure there have been some bumps and bruises along the way but seeing them as happy today as the day we met them, makes me wonder how people can’t stop and do the hard work that relationships take. Loving someone is probably one of the most important things that we can ever do in our lives, along with having children and becoming parents. This same hard work should also be when it comes to friendships as well. A true friend is one of those people that will tell us the things that we need to hear the most even if it’s hard for us to hear and take. It’s those friends that put our happiness before their friendship. Those are the friends that we want to keep forever. Sometimes that said friendship will turn into something more, sometimes it will not.

The person that we will love for the rest of our lives should not only be our lover, but they should also be our best friend forever. They are the person that we should be able to tell anything to no matter how hard or how awful it might be. They should be able to know ever deep dark secret that we have and we should never have to worry that they will tell anyone. Now, if we abuse that trust and lie to the, then that’s a different story. We can’t expect them to keep those kinds of secrets and not tell the other person involved, if there is one.

Don’t get me wrong on any of my blogs, I don’t bring religion, faith, or politics into love. They honestly don’t belong there. However what I do say, is common sense, and that people are just too lazy to put in the hard work. This is why the divorce rate is so high. I just see too many people that are either unhappy where they are in their life, or with the person that they are with. I think if people did as much complaining about their situation as they did hard work to come up with solutions they wouldn’t be in that position in the first place.

I do think that in the case of friendships and even has husband and wife; we should be able to talk about how we make each other feel, especially in the case of a troubled friendship. We should be able to talk openly about those kinds of things, however as soon as we bottle them up we start not talking to the person that we love, or the friend that we value so much. When that happens we run the risk of hurting the other person and in some cases losing their trust, love and friendship. I’m not saying turn everything into a huge sob story either, I’m just saying be open and honest about things. If we did that then the bond between people would be that much stronger, and we would be that much closer than before as well.

If every person lived by the simple rule of treat people how you want to be treated we would be living in an entirely different world. I can’t wait for the day when people realize that love, friendship and happiness are more important than anything else we will ever try to attain. Many people think they have found true love… How many can say that they have lasted most of their entire life with the same person and remained totally in love the entire time. I’m not sure too many people have lasted 50 years, or even 25 and still in love the same as what I witnessed today. People should not give up hope so easily, or the fight for what they believe in. If you want a friendship to work, or a marriage to work; you have to fight for that. It might be hard at times, or easier other times. But it’s when the good times out weighing the bad times that makes it all worthwhile.

As soon as we fail to compromise we fail to see the big picture and how the other person feels as well. This is my own belief, that our friends are the people that we see as family, but we don’t happen to have the same parents or name. In my own case, I have a very select group of friends that if needed I would take a bullet for, give up my own life to save theirs, or even something as simple as a shoulder for them to cry on. I know most of these friends feel the same way as well. These are the people that I consider my family, obviously along with my real family. I can’t imagine my life without some of these people; they have been a huge part of my life for so long, that I can’t think of what it would be like without them in it. These are the people that I value most in my life! I do want to give a shout out to them, Chelsea Mae, Shelly, Sean, Tanja, Paul, Tyler, you all have been a huge part of my life and I want to thank you for the friendship and love that you all have had for me over the years. I know I don’t get to see all of you very often as some of you live quite far away, but you are my family and I want to say Thank you for everything!

Friendship

Friendship, Göteborg, Sweden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Over this last week I’ve been witness to some pretty amazing friendships and some very tough times personally. One of the main things that I’ve seen this week is that people will always eventually show their true colors and we will see them for what they really are. Whether that is a true and real friend, or they are a leech of a friend that uses us for their own gains.

I’ve written about my views on true and real friends. That has not changed at all. I still think that they are one of most important relationships that we will ever have in our lives. The reason this is because we usually turn to friends first before we fall back to family for support. There’s one quote that always comes to mind when I think of a real true friend. That is a friend is an angel there to hold us up, when we aren’t capable of doing it ourselves. We all have at least one of this type of friend in our lives at some point. Sometimes we fail to see them for what they really are, until we turn to them for support, and then they are the sunshine in our day and the moonlight in our nights.

There is so much greatness out there that when we find a bad apple, it is strange and foreign to us. Those friends that show us their true colors may not show them right away, it may take years, or could take just days. That is really different for each person. We have all lost friends for many reasons, some because of fights and arguments, some because of betrayal, others just drift apart. Sometimes it’s just a change in the other person that has caused the drifting apart, however in some cases there is nothing we can do to stop it from happening as well.

If a friend has hurt your feelings one too many times, by all means please tell them. Tell them how they have made you feel. Don’t do it online via an email, or text, or even on the phone if possible. In cases like this talking face to face is the best. T be honest I’ve got zero respect for people that treat some of their friends like they are second best, to me every friend is equal, and should be treated as such. Now that being said, we all do have friends that are well better and more trustworthy then others. We all have our BFF’s that we will confide in, but what if that said BFF now turns out to be a toxic friend? How do we deal with that? In most cases like this one, just letting the friendship drift apart is probably best. We don’t want to force a confrontation to make things worse. Sometimes a friendship may survive this kind of problems but it would take a long time and lots of hard work on the other friends end.

In a lot of people’s case, losing a friendship is even worse than losing a family member to death. As these are the people that we depend on for support, and now they are gone. These are the type of friends that think that their friendships with people are expendable. No friend deserves the hurt and pain that some friends put them through.

So how do you say goodbye to a friend without hurting them and letting them know how you feel? Well that’s a good question and is different for everyone, but usually letting them know how they have made you feel, how their actions impact your feelings. Tell them how much you value your friendship with them, and let them know how you think the friendship is doing. If they become angry, or defensive, then it’s time to just walk away and let the friendship drift apart. If they accept the invitation to try to work hard on the friendship then by all means take them up on that. If you give them that opportunity and they don’t take it, then again let the friendship drift apart. What is most important is your own happiness, and not that of theirs at this point. One thing that real “True” friends have figured out, and others haven’t is that the happiness of the other person is more important than the whole friendship. A real true friend will tell you how it is, without thinking of how that information or news will affect the friendship.

 

Person, Panther, Porcupine

Person, Panther, Porcupine (Photo credit: Nikki Pugh)

So think of a world where you only fall in love once. And that person is your soul mate and love for the rest of your entire life. There are many species out there that do pick their mate for life. Swans are a very good example.

They mate for life, and stay with them forever.  Researchers have shown that people that have been married for 20 years can have the same lasting and true love after 20 years. That they had when they first fell in love.  With the divorce rate being as high as it is (Currently over 50%) why don’t people wait for that real and true love? What would happen if people only fell in love once and never truly again?

Can you imagine, only ever kissing one person, being intensely in love with only that person, only ever having sex with that one person ever? That’s a lot to ask for many people. Today kids start having sex and a much earlier age than ever before. We now have children having children. But where does it stop? Why not wait till we find that one person that is right for us.

How many of us would stay by the person that we love even though we know they will no longer be with us after a short period of time? Or say that the person you love was killed by a drunk driver. Would you continue to love them for the rest of your life, or would you move on and find a new love? In this case a Swan would continue to live out their remaining days, alone and never love again. As they stay true to the person that they fell in love with.

I believe that many people lose sight that love is not something that we throw around, or even that they really don’t even know what true love really is. See to me true love, is putting their happiness before your own, because if they are happy, you are happy. But now say that person is dying and needs say a heart to continue to survive. How many people that think they are truly in love would give up theirs to save the person that they truly love? I can say yes to that without a moment’s hesitation.

I think that people throw love around way to carelessly and don’t realize that it should be a once in a lifetime thing.  If we would change our views on this. Over time we would see a reduction in teen pregnancies, the age children start having sex would start going up, not down. The divorce rate would also go down. Sadly this has been a growing trend in the wrong direction. Too many people think that a marriage is a throw away after some rough times, if people stuck out through those times and did the hard work that it takes to keep it going, we would have a much lower divorce rate.

Encourage your peers and children to wait for that one and only person that they will fall in love with.  If this would happen, we would make the world a much better place.

Two friends

Two friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What makes a friend a “True Friend?”

 

OK, So we all have friends right? Many of us have friends that we value more than anything. With those friendships that we do have, would you be willing to put their happiness before your friendship with you?

For a true friend, those are the people that we class a friend, but we are also willing to tell them how it really is, without worry of the friendship ending. We are willing to risk the friendship that we have to make sure that they understand how they make us feel when they do certain things. This is one of many things that define a true friend.

A true friend will also never ask you to lie about anything or not tell the truth. They will never ask you to go against your principals ever! To me this is one of the most important aspects of a friendship as it can either make a friendship stronger, or destroy it entirely.

How many people that have the qualities of the above two noted, but also inspire us to really be more than we are. We all have people in our lives that want to see us do bigger and better things. It’s these people that are rue friends as they usually have the above two traits as well.

However there are people that have all three qualities and still aren’t a true friend. It’s those people that have those qualities and when we see them it’s like we were lost and now they found us and we want to go home finally.

People with these kinds of qualities are very far and few. One thing that we can do to make sure that we find as many of these people as possible, is we can be a true friend ourselves. If we are to look for a true friend, we must first be a true friend. We must be willing to lose everything in support of happiness of our friend. In this we gain true friendship. Most people can’t even describe the bond that true friends share, as there is so much emotion behind it.  What’s the sad part is that some people don’t even see that they had a true friend until it’s too late and the friendship is dead.

How many can say that they have a true friend in their life?

FRIENDSHIP

FRIENDSHIP (Photo credit: Woody Shakti)

So how can you tell that a friendship is falling apart or that it is coming close to an end? Sometimes it’s very hard to tell. This is a tough subject as there’s a lot of variables to take into consideration. How much were you talking prior to things getting weird? Also to what degree has it changed? Are they making excuses to not talk with you anymore? How has things changed? These are a lot of the questions that people ask themselves when they feel that a friendship has started to fall apart.

You start to think where do I go from here? Should I talk to them about how these changes make me feel? Do they start to get defensive and make excuses? Do they even listen to what you are telling them? Do they only ever talk to you digitally? Never in person or on the phone? Are you being clingy?

When you start to ask yourself these questions, then it is a good sign that something in the friendship has recently changed. In today’s society friends are pretty much expendable and do come and go. Even best friends forever, sorry girls they don’t last forever, even if we want them to.  Good friendships can last forever, but they take hard work and commitment on both sides. Even for those friendships that are long distance and where people haven’t talked in a long time.

Before it even get’s this far, is the friendship on a one way street to doom? Like do you always start the conversations? Or the one to make the calls to the other person? As I talked about in my blog about Friends ignoring Friends, many people try to pass off being busy as an excuse so that they don’t have to a. either admit their feelings, or b. they don’t have the social aptitude to explain their feelings to the other person. Having been on the end of both scenarios, I can say that they both totally suck.

Honestly if you don’t want to be friends with the other person tell them, and explain why. Give them the opportunity to change and grow. As most likely you have outgrown the friendship that you have had with them.

If your on the receiving end of a friendship like this, don’t beg for the friendship back. If they give you the opportunity to grow along with them than take it and run with it.  However if the friendship does fall into pieces, let them know that you will always consider them a trusted friend and that when they need you that you will always be there for them. Don’t cry, and make sure that they understand how you feel about it all. If they start to get angry or defensive and violent, walk away, as they were never really a true friend in the first place then.

If the friendship does end up as being expendable, walk completely away, if you have them on Facebook, delete them. If they text you, block their number, if you have them on an IM, remove them. Honestly if they were a real friend they will have your phone number and will call you if things are that important. This is much harder than it sounds, especially if you also have strong feelings for this person as well. As hard as this will be, you will end up looking a lot more respectable then they are, and could ever be.

For the people who think that friends are really expendable, than you are up for a wakeup call. No one is expandable, and do you not have any respect for the person you are making feel like garbage? I know I have zero respect for those kind of people and try to steer myself clear of them. So with that, I’m going to leave you with this question. How would you react to a friend that was snubbing you or ignoring you?